Top Chef All-Stars: Just Stuff It!

December 22, 2010


Previously on Top Chef:  Two chefs were eliminated. DickyDale won for making a molecular-inspired egg dumpling. And both DandyDale and Top Fop Stephen were sent packing for making the worst dishes on their teams. We'll miss one of them.


Dear reader: I'm assuming you're busy enjoying your holiday week. Surely you've spent all day boxing, as is the custom. Myself, I've had many things to which to attend. Those Angry Birds won't pummel the shit out of those pigs all by themselves, you know.


But seriously, I was traveling and didn't get to see this episode when it aired. (What is it with hotels? They simply must have 16 different sports channels, but, oh nooooooo, we can't have Bravo. ... Fuckers.) Plus, not only was I spoiled on the outcome by various people on Twitter and Facebook, but one dear blogger had pre-spoiled the ending for me over a week ago. So ... In any case, before you get back to your leftovers, here's my ultra-brief take on things.


The chefs drink and reflect on last week's double elimination. It's decided; GayDale will be missed.


At the ...

Quickfire Challenge

... the chefs are met by Pads and a Top Chef Masters non-winner. They are to make stuffing. A new stuffing. A great stuffing. A stuffing made with  no regular cooking implements.

But they are to be rewarded with buckets of cash if they agree to make fools of themselves, cooking without knives and such. Fabio proves to be the most inventive, grating cheese with shelving. But it's Tre who scores the win for his improvisational stuffing.

Elimination Challenge

The chefs will split into two teams and cook head-to-head at the U.S. Open. I assume it won't look like this ...



Anyway, the teams (and Tom) seem to think that there's some benefit to be had by employing "strategy" in the order the chefs' dishes are presented. This ends up with Spike insisting that his team serves up its weakest dish first, in order to have the other team "waste" its strongest dish (presumably Richard's).

When the whole mishegoss is done, it turns out Spike's strategy wasn't worth a bucket of frozen scallops, since, not only did his team not use its weakest dish first, but also Richard's wasn't the opposing team's first volley.

And at the end of the competition, Carla wins the whole shooting match, as she had the best dish and her team beat the opposition.

On the other end of things, Spike gets the hook for making shrimp with which he let other people (namely, Angelo) screw around. Bad Angelo. Bad Spike.

So here are the observations, chef-wise.

• Spike Mendelsohn: Poor Spike. As much as I hated him in his season, I'd become quite fond of him this time around. Plus, we finally saw why he always wears the stupid hats: The all-powerful and world-encompassing Jewfro.

• Richard Blais: Are we ready to give him the trophy already? Because it sure seems everyone else is. Just sayin'.

• Tiffany Derry: As adorable as ever. Sadly, wound up on the losing end of things this time. Still, she amazingly stood up for Angelo in deflecting the criticism that the man is a one-person sabotage outfit (who may or may not have been behind the Kennedy assassination as well).

• Tiffani Faison: Is sure as hell the winner of the redemption prize this season. For having been the lead villain in her season, she's proving to be quite the adorable and affable champ this time around. Plus, she didn't freeze her melons this time.

• Carla Hall: Sliced off a nail in the process of cooking her Elimination Challenge dish. And yet managed to not only finish her dish with a bandage and glove on her hand, she won the damn thing. Take that, Jamie.

• Mike Isabella: Still growing as a chef. And in the waist. May soon require his own kitchen. Showcased his drumming talents, though not his cooking ones, since, like Jamie, he didn't get to present a dish in the Elimination Challenge. Which, to me, only speaks to how badly that thing was planned out.

• Jamie Lauren: Speaking of people who didn't get to present final dishes ... This one is really proving to be quite the entitled little princess, isn't she? First, she makes a dish she doesn't stand behind, even when it wins. Then, she contributes next to nothing for a dish that was conceived while she tended to a boo-boo. And now she gets all defensive after passive-agressively avoiding participation in the aforementioned badly designed challenge. Is she waiting for the a scallop-themed one to play?

• Antonia Lofaso: Good chef. Better dancer. We learn she smoked a lot of pot a while back. This may be a transparent attempt to ingratiate herself to Padma.

• Angelo Sosa: What is it with this guy? Is he really trying to be helpful? Or is he specializing in helping other folks right out the door? And, if so, why aren't these "all-stars" wise to this already?

• Dale Talde: Managed to keep his awfulness under wraps for a week.

• Casey Thompson: Misses her pal DandyDale. Probably because she hadn't yet seen him compare her to an unkempt cavewoman at this point.

• Marcel Vigneron: Almost won the Quickfire this time. Amazingly, also let Angelo out-foam him this time.

• Fabio Viviani: Just as fun to watch as ever. Grates cheese with shelving. Jumps the net to celebrate victory. Atsa' spicy meat-a-ball.

• Tre Wilcox: Clearly an amazing chef. Plus, should give Isabella pointers on losing weight and getting into great shape (considering the pics we got to see of him a few years back when he was far heavier). But did he purposely phone in his dish in the Elimination, knowing he had immunity?  And another thing: Has anyone else noticed that he's been called a "beast" and an "animal" by his competitors. And wasn't Kenny (last season) called a "beast" repeatedly. Is this a black thing? Is this pure coincidence? Am I missing something? Am I being way too sensitive? Who knows?

Next time on Top Chef: Big Trouble In Little China.

Top Chef All-Stars: The Channeling

December 8. 2010


Previously on Top Chef: The chefs had to cook for a million and one rugrats on a chef-induced sugar high. Tiffani won the Quickfire but, after making a poor choice, left her team on the losing end of things. And, in the end, Jennifer went out guns blazin' in a peppery explosion of expletives.


OK, kiddies. You know what time of year this is. Solstice Season always leaves your gentle blogger with visions of ... well, Spring and getting to see the sun again, actually. Nonetheless, things either get hectic or I just can't care about the usual thing much. So here we have an episode which, while entertaining, did not inspire much.


Again, I'm assuming you saw this already. But as a refresher, here's what happened.


Reeling for Jen's potty-mouthed exit, the chefs (again) felt that now anyone could go home.

Quickfire Challenge

The chefs enter the Korporate Kitchen and are met by Padma and superchef David Chang, CEO of Mommafukka Restaurants. The chefs quake in their crocs. Pads splits them into four teams, based on the random order in which they entered the kitchen.

• Team Green: Angelo, Fabio, Mike, and Tiffany.

• Team Blue: Richard, Spike, Stephen, and Tre.

• Team White: Carla, Dale T., Marcel, and Tiffani.

• Team Red: Antonia, Casey, Dale L., and Jamie.

 The challenge is a variation on the now-regular mise-en-place relay. The catch this time is that the team that finishes first starts the clock for the 15 minutes they'll have to make their dish. The remaining teams will only have the time left on the clock once they finish their mise-en-place.

Team Green finishes first, with Team White being the slowest. But after the dishes are done, Team Blue wins bragging rights (and $5K for each of the four team members) with Team White on top, too. Teams Red and Green fall on the bottom this time, leaving DoucheyMike all sad, since he's never finished on the bottom of a Quickfire.

Elimination Challenge

The chefs, still in their teams, will get to go to one of four celebrity chef restaurants in New York. Afterward, the chefs will have to create dishes at their assigned restaurant which channel the celebrity chef's style. (It's suggested that the winning dish could end up on the menu, but it probably wouldn't.)

• Angelo, Fabio, EverExpandingDoucheyMike and Tiffany get David Chang's French-Vietnamese Má Pêche.

• Richard, Spike, Stephen, and Tre go to Chef Michael White's Italian-themed Marea (Italian for "tide," Spanish for "it annoys" or "it makes me dizzy/seasick").

• Carla, Dale T., Marcel, and Tiffani head off to Chef Wylie Dufresne's molecular gastronomy-and-chest-to-neck-whiskers-themed wd~50.

• Antonia, Casey, Dale L., and Jamie get Chef David Burke's Townhouse, a "New American" dining experience.

After dining, the judges and the four celebrity chefs have their selections for the best and worst from each of the four teams.

The tops: Angelo, Tre, DickishDale and Antonia.

The bottoms: Fabio, Stephen, Tiffani and DarlingDale.

After the usual Q&A, the win is given to DickishDale for his not-molecular-but-Wylie-inspired egg dumpling creation.

As for the losers, Pads informs them that two chefs will be heading out this week.

And after lots of shaming and very little pleading (or fighting), we get our first generally uneventful knifing. Stephen and DandyDale get the boot. They take it well.

Which lacks a certain drama. But what are you gonna do?

As for the specifics ...

• Stephen Asprinio: Got to enthuse about fashion and his many visits to Marea where he got to become intimate the menu but still tanked the challenge. Will get to spend more  time picking out ties. Awesometer Count: One "awesome."

• Dale Levitski: For the second time in two weeks finds himself an honorary female, this time being included in Padma's, "Hi, ladies" directed at his team. (Personally, the whole gay men-refered-to-as-women annoys me no end. But that's me.) Was given high odds of winning at the kooky dining establishment. But his "french toast with veal and popcorn" was deemed too sweet. Left with his head held high. Leaving Team Rainbow down to two members.

• Richard Blais: Still on a raging winning streak, even if he didn't score top marks in the Elimination. Took command of his team's Quickfire dish and scored them the win. Now if he could use the money to get himself a more appropriate hairstyle. As Chunky Blais, it may have been endearing, but now it looks insane. 

• Tiffany Derry: Is really making zero impression this season. Which is a shame. Is this part of the come-from-behind strategy which worked for her last season, or is she just what passes for cannon fodder in this all-stars season? Does manage to provide a few clichés, though, promising to both "bring it" and insisting that she's "not ready to go home."

• Tiffani Faison: Nearly wrote her own ticket out of the kitchen this week by freezing her melons. I don't know if that's some kind of lesbian kink thing, but I don't think it could possibly be pleasant. Am amazed that no one mentioned that her finished dish looked like a plate of sick.

• Carla Hall: The homiest of chefs looked to be in a rough spot having to cook at the molecular wd~50, the polar opposite of her style. Did look adorable working with liquid nitrogen, though.

• Mike Isabella: Was chagrined to be in the bottom-finishing team in the Quickfire. Managed to bring his Greek cuisine lamb skills to the French-Vietnamese restaurant well enough to get through another week. Awesometer Count: One "awesome."

• Jamie Lauren: Didn't cut her finger or have to make a dish she hated, so she was marginally more pleasant this week. Still, her dish's flavors were deemed too subtle. Seems she barely avoided finishing in the bottom this week.

• Antonia Lofaso: Did a stellar job of turning peas and carrots into a "New American" dish. And got to bring up "pea purée" on this show in a new non-thieving context. Also, hates pepper mills. Aweosmeter Count: Two "awesome"s.

• Spike Mendelsohn: Took something of a back seat this week, since Blais commanded the attention in the Quickfire and he didn't do much to shout about in the Elimination.

• Angelo Sosa: Totally wet himself knowing he'd get to cook French-Vietnamese food (or as last season's winner Chef Kevin would call it, "Chinese food"). Didn't save his team in the Quickfire, but did push himself to the top by putting finishing off his savory dish with white chocolate. Awesometer Count: One "awesome."

• Dale Talde: Yes, as much as a dick as ever. But at least the dude knows his food, being smart enough to make an egg dish for "notorious egg slut" Dufresne. Won a trip to New Zealand after agreeing to plug the Land Of The Kiwi on camera.

• Casey Thompson: Was just really grateful not to have to chop onions like the last time she was in a mise-en-place relay. Particularly since she just finished that last onion a week ago.

• Marcel Vigneron: What. A. Complete. Marcel. (I'd call him something else, but nothing else conveys the level of smugness and self-importance that would compel someone to clock him with a champagne bottle as "Marcel." In fact, wasn't that annoying monkey on Friends named Marcel? Did the writers know about him then?) Relays the wonderful and beautiful knowledge that Dufresne supposedly was mad that he did a dish of his, or visa versa. Who really cares about a Marcel, anyway? Awesometer Count: One "awesome."

• Fabio Viviani: Knows how to smash garlic cloves en masse. Is still working that charming Italian thing to death. Felt like he was destined to lose, being forced to make French-Vietnamese food, as if he was a Vietnamese "gramma" having to cook pasta and ossobucco. Threw everything he had at his dish. Which was a mistake. Nearly went home. Again.

• Tre Wilcox: Knew enough to turn his Texas steak-making skills on the steak-like swordfish at his restaurant. As a result, he almost won the whole shooting match this week. Now if his personality could only match his cooking skills.

Awesometer Total Count for the Week: A whopping six "awesome"s. Swell.

Next time on Top Chef: Cooking at the U.S. Open. Someone bleeds. Jamie pisses off Spike. And Spike's hair begins to take over TVs coast-to-coast. 

Top Chef All-Stars: Flintstones! Eat the Flintstones!

December 8, 2010


Previously on Top Chef: Thirty-three chefs from all 18 seasons of Top Chef, Chopped, The Little Chocolatiers and Bridalplasty reunited in New York City for a second chance at the title. And what a parade of beloved cheftestants it is, each one more beloved than the next. Oh, and Marcel's there too.


After an uneven competition, we lost my saucy Elia in a heartbreaking first elimination.


And as we open this new episode, everyone's still reeling from that first cut.


(Now, as I noted last week, I'm shooting for a revamped format here. I'm gonna assume you've watched the show, so play-by-play will be kept to a minimum.)

Quickfire Challenge

Padma is joined in the Marketing Ops Kitchen by Jonas Brothers member and serial teen starlet dater Joe Jonas Of The "Purity Ring." The cheftestants have varied responses to this. (More later.) They're charged with making a midnight snack for a bunch of urchins who will be spending the night in the Museum of Natural History & Ben Stiller Movies.

After the usual hijinks, Joe picks not one, but two winners of the challenge, Spike (for his carrot chips and marshmallow dip) and Tiffani (for a candy treat concoction). The catch is that the two have to lead a team to make a batch for the rugrats and the little airplane seat-kickers will get to pick the winner.

The teams work out to be Spike and all the straight guys (minus Tre) with Carla as den mother facing off against Tiffani with gay Dale and all the women (minus Carla) with Tre as the token straight guy.

They go to the museum, and face off against the screaming hordes of germs on tiny legs. The kids go positively apeshit for Joe Jonas, which suggests to me that they trucked in these kids from 2008.

When the snacking and screaming and jumping and sugar crashing is done, Tiffani wins the challenge ... and an "advantage" in the elimination challenge.

And this is when, at 1:30 in the morning in the museum, Tom arrives with the ...

Elimination Challenge

The two teams will get to sleep for a whole 45 minutes before running to the kitchen to make breakfast for the "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Look at me, Mommy!" crowd. Tiffani gets to pick between getting to lead Team T. Rex (which can only use meat, fish, and animal by-products like cheese and milk -- you know, the anti-vegan stuff -- and can "Bang A Gong") or Team Actually-No-Longer-Called Brontosaurus (limited to only fruits, vegetables and grains -- the actual vegan stuff).

(In case you didn't know because you haven't been accosted by a know-it-all 10 year-olds over the past decade or two, the Dino the Dinosaur creature who provided the Flintstones with all those yummy Bronto Burgers is now called the Apatosaurus. ... Yet this still fails to explain how Dino felt watching Fred and Wilma down his butchered brethren. Or how the modern Stone-Age family felt eating the the same animal they kept as a pet.)

Anyway, Tiffani picks T. Rex, foolishly assuming that the team would be able to use both meats and vegetables. This becomes a problem.

The teams serve the urchins and the reviews seem pretty damn mixed. Come time for ...

Judges' Table

Team Testosterone & Carla (aka Team Brontosaurus) is judged to have won the challenge. And a banana fruit concoction from Marcel, Richard and Angelo is ruled to have been the day's winning dish.

As for the losing team, nerves are jangled. Jennifer maintains an defensive, argumentative and really combative stance, angrily defending her steak and eggs creation against all manner of brickbats from the judges. When the chefs leave for the deliberation, Tom expresses that they would never eliminate someone for talking back.

And then they eliminate her anyway.

She does not take this well. At all. Once she leaves the Stewed Room after saying goodbye, she's heard in the hallway outside.

The bleep button shall heretofore be known as the Chef Jen Carroll.

(Oh, and did we mention that Katie Lee No-Longer-Joel was served as our guest judge? Her unique contribution reminded us why she will always be remembered in the television hosting world as Uptown Girl, Version 2.0.)

The Cheftestants

• Jennifer Carroll: Poor, poor, Jen. She may have made a mushy dish, but she will always be aces in my book. Plus, the way she runs her teams, I want to pay her to just come over and yell at me all day. I could get so much done. Plus, with the emergence of "All-Stars Jen" and her penchant for backtalk, I think she could have a lucrative side career spittin' rhymes with Lil Wayne and Drake.

• Stephen Asprinio: Didn't show his ass the way I had expected coming into this week. Basically, was praised for his contribution to Fabio's dish. Still on a mission to prove that grease stains on silk ties are a fashion statement.

• Richard Blais: Still pretty certain he's gonna win this whole shooting match. Considering he likely would have won the last Elimination Challenge (had he not been disqualified), he's on a roll.   Plus, he gets to act all superior when he sees other folks wrestling with the liquid nitrogen.

• Tiffany Derry: Has a healthy fear of children jacked-up on sugar.

• Tiffani Faison: Wins the prize for redemption, acknowledging how she was a total jackass in her season when she refused to cater to children's palates in that year's kids challenge. Gets a mite desperate in whining that she thought T-Rex would be more an omnivore than a carnivore. But completely backs off the posture when witnessing Jen's self-immolation about how the judges should be "smart enough" to figure shit out.

• Carla Hall: Was in this episode. I think she chopped plums.

• Mike Isabella: Why didn't I notice that he's twice the douchebag this season? Maybe not so much in personality. But certainly in girth. Maybe it was seeing him among the dinosaurs that gave me visions of seeing him in an orange sabertooth tiger onesie with an aqua tie.

• Jamie Lauren: Wow. I had forgotten that she had quite this sense of entitlement. She'd remarked earlier how she hated making the Eric Ripert dish which got her eliminated in her season. She said how, even though she made it well this time, she would never make it again because she didn't like it. She leaves her team to go get a sliced thumb stitched up (something no one else says they would have done) and she complains that the dish she had no real part in completing isn't to her liking. Only thing about her I liked this week: Honestly telling us that she has zero desire to have kids. ... A woman after my own heart.

• Dale Levitski: Speaking of having forgotten things about people ... the sense of humor on this one. The guy makes "crack for kids" (101 sugary treats in a bowl). (Ha!) But, during a late-night romp through the Geico Caveman exhibit, he quips that a cavewoman reminds him of Casey in the morning. .(Oooh, not cool, dude.)

• Antonia Lofaso: We got our answer this week. Seventeen seconds. The question? How many seconds into the episode will we be reminded that Antonia is a mom?

• Spike Mendelsohn: Damn. I hate that this one is growing on me. Maybe it's the burger of his that I had recently, but I'm actually finding him charming now. Damn. Still, he clearly has been inhaling too much cooking grease. I mean, he did refer to Joe Jonas as a "rock star."

• Angelo Sosa: He won the first challenge. He was one of three to win the second challenge. Any bets on how long before his dickishness about this will make me want to bust out the glass in the flatscreen? (Side note: He directs Carla to cut down the plums in his team dish which, looking at it one way, could  be interpreted as his new-and-improved way of mentoring/sabotaging people out the door. Or not.)

• Dale Talde: Still Lord God King Dickhead. Among other things, decides he can commandeer  the kitchen's sugar in the snack challenge. Managed to make it through the years 2007 - 2008 without an awareness of the Jonas Brothers. This makes me want to find out where he lives and sublet his apartment.

• Casey Thompson: Is likely taking bids for a hitman to take out Dale L. this morning.

• Marcel Vigneron: On a mission to remind us why people would even think to hold him down and try to shave his head (not that that's right, mind you). Sees Angelo's plumb-cutting as some kind of grand plan sabotage, despite the fact that the dish wound up as the day's favorite. And, after the win, thinks that since he prepared more than 33.33% of the components of the three-man dish, the win really belongs to him.

• Fabio Viviani: Brought back the winning, gladhanding, kiss-the-babies-and-granmas personality. And made a damn good gnocchi.

• Tre Wilcox: Over-reduced his sauce. And sleeps in the nude. Sadly we didn't get to see this.

Next time on Top Chef: The chefs will have to create dishes for the Real Housewives of New Jersey and Orange County. And things get all real up in here when the "ladies" talk back. Iman guests.

Top Chef All-Stars: Aaaand We're Back!

December 1, 2010

Hey kids! I know, it's been ages.  In the event you're one of the few who noticed our absence over the past few months, here's what's been going on.

When we left off, your gentle blogger was actually losing his shit over spending so much brainpower and time on this silly thing. Top Chef: DC was ending and I had already decided that there was no way I could possibly do it and Project Runway at the same time, as I had done last time.

And while it killed me to not blog what was arguably one of the most entertaining seasons of Runway in years, seeing the way it ended I figured it's probably just as well. I didn't wanna be another voice calling for  the vivisection of those responsible for the outcome anyway.

Then there was Top Chef: Just Desserts. Amazing assemblage of lunatics that, again, it killed me to not write about. Even if the ending was about as anticlimactic as it could get.

And now we have the massively entertaining The Fashion Show on Bravo, which is far improved from last season's abomination.

So, I've decided to go tweet-form on these which you can see, comment on and what have you through our Facebook page or Twitter feed. Feel free to share your feelings there if you're of a mind to do so. (Insert smiley face emoticon here.)

On the personal front (not that this is that kind of blog) I've been wrestling with matters professional and otherwise and have really not been in the mood for it. Have taken up running (and will likely do a marathon or something like that at some point), but have been sidelined with injuries which have sucked the life out of me. (Thankfully, that part seems solved for now.)

And now we're in the dreary season of eternal twilight in Central Ohio. So, armed with my light-therapy bulbs let's soldier on, shall we?

Now where were we? Oh yes, Top Chef: All-Stars!

We're in our eighth season and that can only mean one thing: It's time to forget about casting new talent when there are a bunch known quantities with their own fan base who can pump life into any aging reality competition series. So, after getting a bunch of "Thanks, but no thanks" from a number of Top Chef contenders (who never won), the producers landed on 18 (!) dicers and choppers to compete for the prize which eluded them all once before.

And with this kind of talent, each elimination should be heartbreaking (with a couple exceptions, of course). No obvious early elimination cannon fodder this season folks.

Oh, I should add that in order to maintain my sanity (and in feeble attempts to make this more readable) I'm going to try to eschew my usual play-by-play approach, instead doing a more express-y recap. We'll see how long that works.

As for the episode itself, you saw it, right? Eighteen chefs, all of whom know each other already, reconnect, go to the Kitchen O'Logos and do a ...

Quickfire Challenge

Divided by seasons, they work to create a dish which represents the cities where their seasons were hosted.

They run and yell a lot. Richard (we'll recap the cast in a minute) makes a mustard sorbet for his team's Chicago hot dog and the team wins immunity. The non-winning teams mope.

Then, it's time for the ...

Elimination Challenge

Here, the chefs are presented with covered plates. When uncovered they see the ingredients of the dishes which were the very dishes that got each one eliminated in his or her season. Things get dicey here (no pun intended) since there is no equality at all to be had. Some folks made it to the end and never really got eliminated per se, they only failed to win when someone made a better dish. Others did get cut when they made a dish that was actually bad, either in conception or in execution.

The chefs cooked and served. Having the chefs serve in two separate shifts, this allows producers to inject some drama into the proceedings by putting a monitor in the kitchen where half the chefs could listen in on the other half criticizing their dishes. And when the first half discovers they were spied on, well, "Woo hoo, Katie bar the door!"

Seriously, a couple people were mildly miffed.

Anyway, Richard went over time and got disqualified from winning the challenge. Angelo won for making a dish that only barely lost him the win a few weeks before this filmed.

And after a heartbreaking plea to not be cut, my darling Elia was sent packing. Much sadness.

With that out of the way, here's who we're dealing with this season.

From Season One (San Francisco), The Season Of The Katie Lee Joel:

▪ Tiffani Faison (Runner-Up): Kill me if you want to, but despite her bad attitude, I was always a fan of the lesbonic gingerchef and really wanted her to win. Yes, I was in the 1% in a Bravo poll that wanted her to take the prize. She seems as feisty as ever and she's even matured, too. So, I'm hoping I won't be the only one rooting for her this time around. (No snake hisses, please.)

▪ Stephen Asprinio (5th Place Finisher): This guy is only here for the personality and potential drama, right? Are they just hoping to see him get shitfaced and fall face-first into the béarnaise? Seemingly less of a raging dickhead than before, but still insists on wearing designer shirts and ties in the kitchen. Runs an award-winning restaurant, so yay for him. But, really? Even teammate Tiffani points out that he hasn't been in the kitchen for a while. Had he not been saved this first round, I would have made him the easy pick for first one out. Fully expect him to hit the road sooner rather than later.

From Season Two (Los Angeles), The Season Of The Head-Shave Assault: 

▪ Elia Aboumrad (4th Place Finisher): My sweet, sexy Latina. Full of all the confidence in the world coming into this. Looks much better with hair. Sabotaged both by the challenge and by a (too?) strict adherence to (or lack of understanding of) the rules. Or was it really just the way she cooked her fish. Wept for her elimination.

▪ Marcel Vigneron (Runner-Up): Still as oddly douchey as ever. Still rockin' the Wolverine 'do. Never bought him as a "villain," despite the continual insistence on casting him as such in his season. Still found him to be a total creep. His tete-a-tete with Fabio over Fabio's bringing up the head-shaving incident and a fan's having attacked him with a bottle still remains a sore point between the two. Should be interesting to see the mini molecular man battle with überwizard Richard here.

From Season Three (Miami), The First Season Of The Fauxhawk: 

▪ Dale Levitski  (Runner-Up): I feel like such a moron. I totally forgot he was the runner-up. Maybe it was the fact that Hung gobbled up all the attention his season. Or maybe it was the (now thankfully gone) fauxhawk. Great chef. (Loved dining at his Sprout restaurant in Chicago, BTW.) Seems to have filled out a bit in the ensuing years.

▪ Casey Thompson (Runner-Up): Ah, her I remember getting that close. Fan favorite and all that stuff. Took a huge tumble off the pedestal after the debacle where she mentored Season Five's Carla right out of the running and was, er, less than Fan Favorite-y about the whole incident online. We'll see how she fares this time around.

▪ Tre Wilcox (8th Place Finisher): An eighth place finisher? Really? My money is on him being a last-minute replacement when Kevin from Season 6 opted not to participate. Not to say the man isn't incredibly talented. It was a shock when he was eliminated when he was, considering his early lead. But I'll be damned if I remember anything aside from his winning the charmed first Elimination Challenge (which usually signaled a win in the finale) and his elimination a few weeks later. Doesn't make much of an impression this first week here.

From Season Four (Chicago), The Second Season Of The Fauxhawk, The First Season Of The Bromance:

▪ Richard Blais (Runner-Up): The Mad Scientist. Every dish is required to have quotes somewhere in the name, since there always has to be something that looks like one thing but is actually something else. The "Winner" of his season. Best remembered for dominating season-long and then choking at the finish line. Has (finally) lost the silly hairdo and is looking much more fit and trim. Still has that prickly personality. We'll see how that serves him here.


▪ Antonia Lofaso (4th Place Finisher): Her season's dark horse. Went from "who's that again?" status to near-finalist. Could it happen again? Counting the seconds until we're reminded that she's a mom.


▪ Spike Mendelsohn (5th Place Finisher): As much as an insufferable dick as ever. Still sporting hats, which makes him the Hipster Chef now. But with a few years since his season, has seemingly matured some. Plus, he's got a couple of restaurants in D.C. and makes the best burger you will ever taste in your lifetime. So, there's that. Managed to break the curse of the frozen scallops and nearly won the first Elimination Challenge here.

▪ Dale Talde (6th Place Finisher): The chef I least wanted to ever see again. Even in a room with some prizewinning assholes, is in a class by himself. Naturally, this means he'll make it all the way to the end. The universe (and Bravo) works that way.

From Season Five (New York), The Season Of The Scallop: 

▪ Carla Hall (Runner-Up): Chef Hootie Hoo. Took only three seconds to remind us of this. Will probably be the eternal winner of everyone's favorite for her adorable personality, general spunkiness, great from-the-heart food ... and heartbreaking loss in her season. (See entry, Chef Casey). After being asked about it every day for the past few years, has memorized speech saying that she doesn't blame Casey for the loss. Is probably tied with Richard for title of most-in-need-of-redemption.

▪ Jamie Lauren (7th Place Finisher): Is probably sick of people talking about scallops. Was good in her season. Seems to have grown in self-confidence 100-fold since then. Maybe it was fending off advances from Stefan. Guess we'll see if The Littl'est Lesbian will get to the end this time.

▪ Fabio Viviani (4th Place Finisher): Wasn't  he supposed to get his own show? What happened to that? With Carla, the winner of the personality sweepstakes, though for a totally different reason. It seems his head-butting with Marcel may become a motif this season. We'll see if the co-chair of Team Eurotrash does his fans proud and wins or if he'll instead focus on fighting back against the judges when they don't like his spicy meat-a-ball and they bounce him out the door.

From Season Six (Las Vegas), The Season Of The Tattooed Love Boys:

▪ Jennifer Carroll (4th Place Finisher): Another one who stumbled right at the end. Still, she arguably faced the strongest competition of any fourth place finisher in any season. Her presence is (likely) the reason that her mentor, Eric Ripert, isn't judging this season. Proved that she is an amazing presence in the competition, but also badly lost momentum last time. Will it happen again? Has many fans among the chefs, but didn't seem to do terribly well in the first challenge. Here's hoping for the best for this one.

▪ Mike Isabella (7th Place Finisher): Re-wrote the book on Top Chef douchery last time. Don't expect him to be any less an ass this time.

From Season Seven (Washington, DC), The Season Of Forced Political Metaphors: 

▪ Tiffany Derry (5th Place Finisher): Everyone's darling. The one who made everyone cry when she didn't make it to the finals. Just had enough time to get married in between seasons. Facing some crazy serious competition this time. How will she fare this time out?

▪ Angelo Sosa (Runner-Up): Lost his season mere weeks earlier after getting sick in Singapore. Has likely been mainlining Tony Robbins motivational tapes in the intervening two and a half weeks. Even managed to win the normally foreshadowing first challenge here. Don't expect this gang will be as susceptible to his subtle sabotage as the last crew, seeing as there's no one to "mentor" here.

So, there you have it. Tune in next week to see who's going home next ... and to see if there actually is life after Top Chef for one special guest judge.