Top Chef Texas: It's Patti, Austin (Or, It's Austin, Patti)

December 21, 2011

Previously on Top Chef:  The chefs had to prepare a dish of wild game for the judges. Edward and Ty-Lör rose to the occasion and delivered a winning dish. Heather proved she's a horrible person and lambasted her partner, Beverly, for no good reason, even risking her own elimination. But in the end it was Dakota and Nyesha who were sent packing in a double elimination.

Hey there. Perchance you noticed this holiday the other day. It involved a tree and 1,001 renditions of "Little Drummer Boy" and "Frosty The Snowman"? Well, that. And since (if I'm reading the schedule properly) the show's a rerun this week, I figured an insanely late blog is better than none at all.


Unless it's not.


Since this episode is well past the leftovers state, you obviously know what happened. Heather The Horrible finally got her comeuppance, much to the delight of everyone not in her immediate family.

But to refresh your memory, here's a brief look back.

After the last elimination, still in 350º Dallas, Padma walks back to the chefs and scares them. They think that they'll have to cook again right away. Instead she tells them that they get to leave the (expletive deleted) place that is Dallas for less gawdawful Austin. Hearing this, Paul feels he has to really deliver, since he's from there.

Once at their new digs, the chefs think the place could pass for the Governor's Residence. But it couldn't be, since it's missing cabinets full of Ambien and maple syrup.

Quickfire Challenge 

At the un-Monogrammed Cordon Bleu kitchen, Padma and Tom tell the chefs about this week's cockamamie challenge. In an attempt to shoehorn Bravo's Twitter obsession into the Texas motif, Padma explains that the mircoblogging service gained traction at the SXSW Festival there a few years back. (Forget the fact that it's based in San Francisco. Bravo really, really, really need you to Twitter with them. They also are really interested in pictures of your last meal, purchase and manicure. Tweet them directly to @bravoandy. Do it now. Do it daily. Hourly, even. He'll appreciate it.)

The (idiotic) premise is that the show's followers will tweet half-baked ideas for the challenge, Tom and Padma will pick the one they were going to use anyway. Halfway through, they'll pretend to pick another one to act as a twist. And then, a few minutes later, they'll actually chose one that, since it was chosen on the fly, won't work since the producers won't have time to set it up properly.

Hence, we have the chefs making bacon dishes with a hash and an ingredient that they were handed by another chef (or, in Samurai Chris' case, grabbed off another chef's station just because).

When it's all over, Paul gets his bragging rights, having won the first challenge in his hometown.

Elimination Challenge 

Padma tells the chefs to get some drinks at their hotel bar where, if any of them have a lick of sense, they know there'll be a "surprise" announcement. While they wait, Heather cozies up to (newly monikered) "Malibu" Chris and gives everyone a major case of the heebie jeebies, not least of all Chris himself.

The "surprise" occurs when the bar pianist introduces legendary insane diva Patti Labelle and one of her expensive wigs. As LaBelle proceeds to make mincemeat of "Lady Marmalade," Sarah gets overcome with emotion and Grayson has a look on her face which, unmistakably reads, "I don't have the first idea who this woman is."

Blogger's aside: OK, I could go on about what happened after this. I could tell you how plucky Beverly nearly pulled out a win, how "Yes, We Have Heard How You're Originally From Texas" Sarah won and how Heather and her Hair Flower both got sent off to Redemption Kitchen to be sliced and diced by Nyesha there. But, I'd rather go on about Miss Patti.


Now, you do know this woman's totally bonkers, right? I mean, when she's not hanging with Oprah,  having her bodyguards assault and injure a returned veteran for standing too close to her luggage (and then posing for pictures with the reporting officers afterwards), throwing water at infants or refusing to even be in the presence of one of her own dogs for months at a time. 


The woman's been in the public eye for nearly 50 years now, so she's clearly keenly aware when there are cameras pointed in her direction and she exhibits a level of control which should be studied by new celebrities for decades to come. But it barely masks the fact that you can tell that the moment the lights and microphones are packed away, she's itching to revert to form like her scalp is itching to be set free from the wig collection.


So, a few years back the husband and I found ourselves attending this big R&B festival in Cincinnati. And, as in most years, she was one of the featured singers. Being something of a fan (not a big fan, but a fan), I was enthused to see her perform. The rest of the stadium didn't seem quite so jazzed about it. I can only assume it's because they'd seen her schtick many times before.


Throughout her 45-minute set, she repeatedly iterated her OneTouch Ultra™commercial mantra "I have diabetes, but it doesn't have me!" The then-62 year-old woman went again to the menopause-is-funny well by over and over (and over) again saying how she was having hot flashes. Not being the owner of a female body, I'd hate to presume. But I have to think that if she was saying this same shit back in the '90s, one should assume that something's seriously wrong if she's still not completed "the change" 15 years later.


And, at least four years into the age of iTunes, she saw it necessary to, mid-song, say -- and sing -- entreaties to "don't download" her songs. In fact, it's so that every time one of her songs comes up in  musical rotation at home, it's a requirement here that one of us command the other, "Don't download!"


Lastly, in what even I know is a tradition at all her concerts, Miss Patti tried to get selected members of the audience to come onstage to sing and dance the show closer, "Lady Marmalade," with her. But when concert security decided to cross the woman and wouldn't let people on stage, the ... claws ... came ... out. I'll be damned if she didn't pitch the diva fit and threaten to shut down the entire daylong music festival if she didn't get to bring them on stage.


And that's the Miss Patti that I just know is hiding behind the frozen smile and gentle plugs for her diabetes cookbook.

Other Notes

• "Malibu" Chris: OK, you know how I've been saying how the man's been trying to tell us he's (at least) bi all season? And how everyone is now calling him this because of his obsession with his hair care? And how uncomfortable he looked being sandwiched by the lady chefs in the bar (even if one of them was the detestable Heather)? Well, when Ty-Lör points out that Miss Patti's toenails were painted to match Padma's dress, who was the only other person who had noticed that?

• Paul: Dude became a chef after being a weed dealer for all his friends. And here I thought that the weed thing came after entering the culinary world.

• Samurai Chris: Is is possible he's becoming even more slovenly? And can I get some brain bleach to clean off the memory of seieng his ass crack?

Next time on Top Chef: Who knows? If it's Austin, I'm guessing it involves Willie Nelson and a pot brownie challenge.