Top Chef All-Stars: Finally, Pt. 2 (Or, Attack Of Da Conch Sukas)

March 16, 2011

Previously on Top Chef:  The final five arrived in the Bahamas for the beginning of the marathon finale.  After a face-off with the chefs who won the finalists' original seasons, the five got deluded into thinking the Bahamas had a royal family, set a restaurant on fire, had to start over ... and poor Carla was sent packing.

After Carla is booted, the chefs ruminate on her elimination and do the whole "we're almost at the end" thing. They retire to their sumptuous digs at the Nassau Palms Hotel. Richard wears a silly hat to sleep and we get the overwhelming joy of knowing what DoucheyMike looks like in bed.

Quickfire Challenge

The gang heads down to the hotel kitchen where they are met by Padma and NBC cross-promotionalist, Venezolana exquisita Lorena Garcia. The theme of this challenge will be "consistency."

The premise: The chefs will break into pairs and will have to create 100 plates which, in addition to being delicious, will have to be be "consistent." They'll have to look "consistent." They'll have to taste "consistent."

The boys end up pairing up against the girls. Consistent.

Richard and DoucheyMike decide that since they're clearly superior to the women in every way, they'll win easily by making their own pasta and preparing the 100 identical plates in the hour's time.

The women, Antonia and Tiffany, decide to do (what the guys tell us is) a simpler dish, a cold dish something that involves seared meat on a salad of some kind. (Reminder: I love eating fine meals. I don't understand cooking for squat.) However, while the preparation of the meal itself may be simpler, the fact that there are four separate components to the dish means that it is theoretically harder to make all the plates the same.

Richard dismisses what the women are doing as being "sear and serve," something the chefs do when they can't think of anything else. DoucheyMike remarks that if his team had tried that, he could have sent Richard out for beer while he did it all himself. Consistent.

When time is called, Padma and Lorena each pick two numbered plates at random. Pads picks a number of an "important birthday" in her family. Lorena picks 62 and 89. (Golly, could it possibly be her birth year and the year she was married?)

The judges love both teams' offerings. And they think the dishes from both teams are "consistent."

But, based on the level of difficulty with having to put together four components the same way for 100 dishes, rather than serving a simple (yet "consistent") ladle-full, the win goes to ... Team Estrogen.

Tiffany shrieks. Also consistent.

And the boys are reeeeeally upset. Antonia contemplates their salty, sour grapes.

With that out of the way, it's now time for the ...

Elimination Challenge

The chefs will be preparing a lunch for the members of the Lily White Yacht Club of The Bahamas who are celebrating its 80th anniversary. And they want conch. They're suckers for conch.

So the chefs get on yet another boat, making this officially The Season Of Dramamine.

The clock on the challenge is to start the second they hit the beach. And as they near their destination, the chefs see that they will be cooking with wood fire grills. And there appear to be some crates awaiting them on the beach where they'll be cooking and serving.

They jump in the water and immediately book it towards the sand to be the first to get their hands on the best proteins.

Here is where a bit of clever editing takes place. We first see them opening crates marked "Lobster" and "Grouper" which contain the chilled goods. And then, when they open the one marked "Conch," we hear Richard in voiceover ask, "Where's the conch?" as they look inside and discover that it contains only snorkeling gear. (Translation: They'll have to go snorkeling to retrieve the conch, which have been conveniently scattered under the sea by some Magical Elves.)

Of course, if you were looking closely, you'd have noticed that the conch crate was one of the first ones they opened. But where's the drama in seeing them make the discovery and then watching them stop to consider things, before production says it's time to go for a swim?

Now, what happens next is something that has scarred me deeply. If you saw it, you have my condolences.

DoucheyMike. Shirtless.

Not hungry. Not anymore. Probably not ever again.

So, from my position curled up in fetal position in the corner, I see through my inflamed eyeballs the four chefs struggle to gather up the conveniently scattered sea creatures from the sea bed. (Who knew conch love to space themselves out so evenly?)

Antonia's a strong swimmer and does rather well with the task. The others, though, seem to have trouble understanding the "you'll have to go underwater to actually grab the conch" concept.

Once back on the beach with their shellfish, they set about trying to get their conch to come out of the shells. While they go hammer-and-tongs at the critters, both Richard and Mike mention that they've spent a great deal of time having worked with conch before.

Well, they are guys, after all.

But aside from that, it's a testament to the fact that these two did work and research in the months leading up to this Bahamian experience, practicing with the ingredients which are most common here.

Not so much with the ladies. Both Antonia and Tiffany express that they've never worked with conch before.

No joke here. This just saddens me deeply. I really would have hoped that they would have known that their extant (though great) skills alone would likely not be enough to win the big prize this time.

While they chik-chik-chik way at the conch, Mike shows us that he's even one-up on Richard in knowing that dropping the shell in hot water gets the conch to let go and slip out easily. Oddly, no one else seems to catch on to this.

As they cook, they all remark on how sandy everything is and how it will be near impossible to not end up with some sand in their dishes. And I start to get itchy just thinking about it.

The four describe what they're preparing and Richard goes against expectations in saying that he's making a dish which is more Long Island than it is Bahamas, offering up a play on linguine and clams, with conch in place of the clams and sliced sweet potatoes masquerading as pasta. (I had been waiting I-don't-know-how-many weeks for Richard to pull out his patented something-disguised-as-something-else trick.)

Tiffany tells us she likes things that have hot and cold elements in them and will be making a hot conch chowder with a cold ceviche on top. Antonia is making a fish dish with diced conch on top.

And Richard is using every local ingredient, element and cooking technique at his disposal for his dish. He's searing sweet pineapple to make it savory. He's making a conch vinaigrette. He's wrapping fish in a banana leaf. He's getting in a dig at Elia (who was eliminated first for a fish-in-a-banana-leaf dish).

Still consistent.

Finally, the Lily White Yacht Club members arrive for their meals to be served by the Not-So-Lily-White Servant Class Club. They have some totally engrossing stories to share about term limits for the club's commodores, small sailboats for children and how to achieve that perfect Ken Burns bowl-cut-n-bangs look.

The chefs each serve their dishes and everything seems to go over quite well for the most part. The only issues are that Mike's fish was a mite greasy, Antonia's conch may have been diced too finely and that Tom can't tell that Richard's "pasta" isn't actually pasta until filled-in by Gail.

Tiffany is the last one to serve and we see that she's actually ready to serve well before time. This results in her soup sitting for longer than it should and, by the time it's eaten, it's cold.

Oh, and during our Fakeout Scene, we discover that Richard and Mike don't have the first clue about Gilligan's Island, seeing as they think Tiffany is the Ginger of their squad. (Not that she's a Mrs. Howell either. ... If anything, she's a Gilligan.)

Judges' Table

Was this even necessary? Did anyone think this would go any other way?

Mike was given the win and his head expanded past the side of his still-expanding waistband, crowing how he beat Season Six champ Michael Voltaggio last week and how he's beat Richard two Elimination Challenges in a row. He's only sorry that there's no one left back in the Stewed Room to get a load of his greatness.

The load.

With that, the judges nitpick about Richard, Antonia and Tiffany's dishes before the inevitable is announced.

"Tiffany, please pack your knives and go."

They just couldn't get past the cold soup.

They head back to the Stewed and let Mike know that she's gone. The smile on his face translates to, "Yeah. You should have gone home ages ago, chickie. See ya in Texas sometime. Hugs."

Tiffany cries again.

Consistent.

Next time on Top Chef: The 32-episode-long finale continues. Celebrity chefs. Something going rancid. And a mystery envelope?

Also ... I'm going to be incommunicado from roughly the moment after the next episode airs to past the end of the never-ending finale. So, it's really unlikely that there's going to be a recap next week and really really unlikely that there's going to be a recap of the actual, likely infuriating crowning. This upsets me. But I'll probably be more upset when I hear who won.

Top Chef All-Stars: Finally, Pt. 1 (Or, Da Fryah Fiyah)

March 9. 2011

Previously on Top Chef: In the last competition before the finale, the chefs took a boat ride, got back to their roots and discovered that Antonia and DoucheyMike are distant cousins, something we will now hear about incessantly. And when it was all over, we realized we had just wasted the last hour-and-change since no one was eliminated.

Ooh, la la la, ooh la la. It's betta in the Bahamas.


Well, that's the way the song goes. We'll have to see.

It's finale time, months have gone by as the final four five are seen arriving at a fort in Nassau. (I'd investigate which one, but I really don't care that much. A cursory search though suggests it's probably the creatively named "Fort Nassau.") Antonia arrives and reflects on the ups and downs she's had on her way to the finish line.

Soon she's joined by Carla, who has veered sharply from the top to the bottom of things this season. And then who should show up but forgotten American Idol winner David Cook!

A tween David Archuleta fan runs up and kicks him in the nuts. And only then do we realize it's actually Richard with a new color process, 'do and facial hair.

Moments later, on comes DoucheyMike, and Antonia greets him as her long-lost cousin.

Did I not tell you this thread would be eternal?

Da Douche tells us that he's spent the intervening hiatus investigating cooking techniques across D.C. , spending extra time on pastry cooking. ... And pastry eating, it seems.

After the meet-and-greets, the chefs turn a corner and arrive at the ...

Quickfire Challenge

The chefs are greeted by Tom and Padma and the chefs who won the five remaining finalists' four different Top Chef seasons: Stephanie Izard (Season Four), Hosea Rosenburg (Season Five), Michael Voltaggio (Season Six) and Kevin Sbraga (Season Seven).

Immediately, DoucheyMike is pumped, since he imagines that this means he'll get to be on a team with Michael, who won his season. But, no. Tom informs them that each contestant chef will cook head-to-head against their season's winner, making one dish. The winner of each face-off will be awarded $10,000. (Since Stephanie will be facing off against two chefs -- Antonia and Richard -- she will have two opportunities to win with one dish.) The teams will each have to work with a different protein which Tom has selected in advance.

When they lift the lids on the mystery boxes, they are all a mite surprised to find rather conventional meats there (veal, lamb, duck and pork), since they had psyched themselves up for more island-centric dishes.

Go!


They cook. Stephanie tells us she wants to win everything. DoucheyMike thinks he'll slow Michael down by having him butcher the duck. And Hosea tells us in so many words that the entire world still resents the fact that he won his season.

As time ticks away, both Carla and Antonia remark that their portable burners (or whatever they're called -- I can't cook, remember?) aren't staying on. For Antonia, this means that her veal isn't so much being fried as it is being steamed. For Carla, this means her rice isn't cooking properly.

So, in a moment of on-the-spot miscalculation (sadly, one of many), Carla decided to dump her rice into the same pot with her lamb and instantly regrets the decision. She informs Hosea that she probably just handed him $10,000, which, when you think about it, is apt, since she's done that before. Hosea, Pyrrhic Victory 2 is on hold for you.


Once, time is called, Tiffany scores against Kevin with her pork dish, which earns her her first (!) win of any kind this season. As expected, Carla's undercooked rice results in Hose Man getting another win-by-default. In a split decision, DoucheyMike gets to say he beat out Michael for once with his duck dish.

One of them declares this "awesome."

In the face-off of Antonia vs. Stephanie, none of the judges is particularly enthused with either chef's veal dishes. But, as someone has to win, Stephanie is given the money. Of course, she's not too thrilled to win "for a crappy dish."

Turning to Richard's veal two-ways, the judges love it and don't even have to think about awarding him the $10K against Stephanie's winning/losing dish.

Once the veteran winners (and Hosea) leave, Tom, Padma and guest/returning judge Eric Ripert inform the chefs about the ...

Elimination Challenge

They are told that for this contest, they will be preparing a meal for a "very prestigious" event and that they will be cooking for "Bahamian royalty."

Yeah, there's no way that's a "twist." There's never a "twist." Especially in a series finale.

With that, the competing chefs head off to Nassau's sumptuous Red Carpet Inn to check out their luxurious digs and speculate about the prospect for cooking for "the king and queen of the Bahamas."

This, of course, sends me into fits of insanity, screaming at the set, "Who the fuck thinks the Bahamas has or has ever had its own king and queen?! How? Why? And why the fuck are Americans so consistently fucking stupid about the rest of the fucking world?! Fuck!"

OK, I got that out of my system.

But, seriously. Aside from the rulers of the pre-Columbian indigenous kingdoms of Central and South America, could anyone even imagine how a Western Hemisphere country would even have a royal family (not including their ruling European kings and queens)?

OK, maybe it was still in my system.

Anyhoo ...

The chefs (wearing their ready-for-the-royals t-shirts and jeans) are super excited when they are picked up at their hotel by Cadillac Escalade™ with a police escort, clearly a signal that they're going to the Bahamian Royal Palace & Candy Cane Fairyland.

(Note: In a particularly hysterical moment, this show, lord of all that is corporate sponsorship, grand ruler of "We arrived in our Dodge Dakota 4X4s" or whatnot, blurred out the SUV's Cadillac nameplate as it pulled up and had DoucheyMike describe it as "this truck.")

As they travel to the Imperial Castle Of Bahamian Duke and Duchesses, the chefs discuss how they expect to be heading into some "mack daddy" kitchen and cooking for well-heeled people with the most refined of palates. And, in a move no one could have possibly seen coming, they soon find themselves, not in a posh neighborhood of royal guards, footmen and ladies-in-waiting, but along a pretty standard restaurant row. And, what's this? Look! There's a party going on in front of one.

It's Junkaroo! And, aha! There's a man with a crown!

He must be there to guide them to where Bahamian King Xavier Doesn'tthefuckexist lives!

Now, everybody dance!


Tom exits from the restaurant and informs the gang that this man with the colorful garb and crown is the King of Junkaroo and they will be cooking for him and his krewe.

Oh, you coulda knocked me over with a yellow headdress.

Richard, Mike and Antonia immediately start to sweat over the fact that they've prepared dishes that are probably too refined for the street-dancing krewe. But Tiffany, who had planned on sticking with her down-home cooking concept, is actually quite thrilled with this development.

They rush into the restaurant's exceedingly humble (read: small and ill-equipped) kitchen and start cooking. (They had gotten to do their prep work at the Red Carpet Inn's kitchen earlier.)

But as she drops some plantains into a deep fryer, Antonia The Instant Psychic starts to notice that there's something wrong with the one next to hers. It's smoking. And not like Kelly from last season, either.

She has Carla turn down the heat, but that doesn't seem to help.

She says the magic words. "Fire fryer."

And BOOM the entire thing goes up in flames.

When will Antonia ever learn? If she vocalizes something it will happen.

Antonia, can you come over here and say, "iPad 2 for Cliff." Please?

The chefs throw towels over their food and are forced to exit the kitchen so that the firefighters can put out the blaze.

But as the men with the fire-retardant do their work, back in the dining room there's another Blaise causing a different kind of meltdown. With this unexpected time to kill, Antonia is stressing again that her concept is too highbrow for the audience. And Richard, wishing to get into her head and do some psychological warfare, encourages her to go with her heart.

"This is a competition."

Everyone drink.

Once the fire is out, Tom goes in to examine the damage and quickly realizes that since chemicals have gotten over everything, including all the food, there's no way they'll be able to cook in there now.

He tells the chefs that they will be scrubbing this batch and the kitchen, but not the challenge. The chefs will have to go back to the Red Carpet Inn and start their prep all over again and will be coming back to the restaurant and cooking later.

This, of course, comes as a blessing to Antonia (and, theoretically, to Richard), who takes this opportunity to completely reformulate her dish. Tiffany, though, is pretty damn pissed, since this eliminates her (perceived) advantage and the element of surprise.

They cook again. They come back again. And, at I Don't Know When O'Clock, they finally get to serve their dishes to the Royal Order Of The Boxing Day Dancers.

But the food doesn't particularly impress.

Judges' Table

Padma calls all five chefs before the judges and each dish is critiqued.

Tiffany's was way too simple and, for the umpty-umpth time, she's criticized for having called her dish something. In this case, she's slammed for having called it a "curry"-something when it didn't have that kind of flavor.

Carla suffered from Carla-itis, having yet again opted to employ a technique she's never tried before in a finale. This resulted in Gail's pork having been totally undercooked. It doesn't look good for her. Again.

Mike is generally praised for his sous vide chicken, a dish he didn't change at all from before fuego interruptus. But even he gets knocked around a bit for what he presented.

Antonia gets it for her Take Two Shrimp Grits & Mystery Meat. The poor girl is totally dejected, since she knows she shouldn't have changed horses mid-stream and really didn't like her dish at all.

And even Richard gets a going-over for his dish, which split Tom and Eric.

But the win goes to ... Mike.

Yay.

Back in the Bahamian Room Of Stew, the chefs discuss nuts and nonsense, going over each of their dish's failings. Richard, our resident head case, reveals that he is such a second-guesser that he "hates" everything he does.

I can't stand people who do that.

Or maybe I don't. I need to think about that.

Back before the judges, the knives come out.

"Carla, please pack your knives and go."

Awwww. Well, it's not like we didn't see that coming.

But it's not nearly as bad as what I think I see coming now.

Next time on Top Chef: The finale ... continues? Padma causes sexual arousal from the Bahamas to the shores of Gitchy Gumee. And the chefs have to snorkel for snacks.

* Note: I just discovered something I find insanely upsetting. If Wikipedia is to be believed, the actual final episode will not be March 23, but March 30, a date on which your gentle blogger is not going to be anywhere he can see the show, but will likely be spoiled on it anyway. What this means is that if a final recap even happens, it's going to come from someone who's likely to be very bitter for more reasons than the expected one.

Top Chef All-Stars: You Eat What You Are

March 2, 2011

Previously on Top Chef: The chefs had to make Southern food for 3,000 guests (give or take). We were "treated" to seeing a bunch of eliminated chefs come back to help. The pressure clearly got to most everyone and Carla, Tiffany and Dale were on the bottom of the challenge. When it was all over DickyDale was shown the door. And he managed to walk through it without tearing it off its hinges.


We start out in the Stewed Room with Richard saying that Dale's departure is the first one he's really felt badly about. (Which means he was probably lying when he said about the same thing about Fabio's exit.) And DoucheyMike remarks how Tiffany managed to escape elimination yet again, calling her "bulletproof." (Translation: He remarked on how she's managed to stay over his last two buddies.)

Quickfire Challenge

As the chefs finish up breakfast (?) at Casa Cuisine, the they start to wonder what could possibly be the next challenge. And here is where Antonia "Instant Psychic" reveals her heretofore unseen talent for precognition when she imagines that Padma will likely appear in their apartment for the Quickfire.


And, like Beetlejuice, poof!, there's Padma!





Of course, you may think the hostess with the mostest may have other things in common with the "bio-exorcist" of film lore. But I'll leave that to you.


The chefs, naturally, are shocked. Padma tells the chefs to don their smocks head to the roof for further instructions. Once there, Padma tells them that their challenge will be revealed on Ellis Island and tells them to head to the docks.


DoucheyMike finds this "awesome."


The chefs board the Miss Freedom (contrary to public opinion, not one of Charlie Sheen's "goddesses") and discover a note along with their chef kits atop the ferry's snack bar.


Their challenge will be to create a dish using only the gross food they find behind the snack bar. And as an extra twist, their timer will be the ship's horn. When it blows, the challenge starts. When it blows again, it stops. And there's no telling how much time there will be in between.


After a few tense moments of anticipation, the horn blows and they're off.


What happens next is generally sick-making. Owing to the extra-limited options, the chefs are left to, in essence, repackage and repurpose what's already there with little opportunity for actual creativity.


Richard pulls out his MRE (Meals Ready-To-Eat) kit from his gear and puts together a hot dog with various items on top. Antonia shuffles the ingredients from a few different sandwiches and fries them on a hot dog grill. Carla goes for a fresher option by slicing up some fruit and "infusing" it with some rosemary and some bottled juice. Tiffany makes your standard snack bar nachos and has time to pop some popcorn. And DoucheyMike creates a lovely bowl of upchuck. With cheese. And ground-up hot dog buns.

As this goes on, each of the chefs gets to say how great his or her offering was compared to everyone else's crap. And, after the hysterical vision of the chefs trying to guess when their time will be up, they finally land and Padma and guest judge Dan Barber climb on board and are made to eat this stuff.

Later, on land, Barber delivers his verdict, deeming Mike's bowl o' vom' the worst along with Tiffany's lazy nachos. And the best "dish" (or plastic container of substance in this case) goes to ... Carla.

Richard, of course, is not amused that Carla won for just having "sliced some oranges."

Look, it's a wonder that anyone could win that challenge at all. Seriously.

Elimination Challenge

Once that abomination is over, Padma explains that for this challenge, in honor of Ellis Island's special place in the history of the American immigrant, the chefs will be digging into their genealogical roots and preparing a dish based on NBC's latest hit Who Do You Think You Are?, presented by ancestry.com.

To assist in this process, the producers have enlisted the services of Hollywood investigator Anthony Pellicano who has created a dossier of family photos, birth records and secret wiretap recordings. And to help them go through all this information, they have brought in some special guests.

Cue the loved ones.

Normally at this point, we'd see each loved one either paired up with a different chef who would have to make a dish for him or her, or there would be some kind of challenge where Tiffany's mom would have to race out into the East River to retrieve a bag of puzzle pieces and get them back to Carla's husband before Richard's pregnant wife can start a fire using only flint and liquid nitrogen.

Instead, the chefs and loved ones get to quietly sit on benches and look over the materials. But, what's this? Yes, it seems that the lovely Antonia and the un-lovely Douche are actually distant relatives, both coming from the same family in Sicily.

I groan. Because I know that this will start us on a new, never-ending storyline of long-lost-cousins-who-hated-each-other-and-now-have-each-other's-back-despite-their-differences.

And we'll get a retelling about how these differences involve a certain chef's propensity for expelling gas and liquids from his body and sending in the other's direction.

Over the next 40 minutes, I am proven right. Repeatedly.

Also in the no-surprise department, we see everyone look at his or her ancestry and read into their forbears character traits that explain why they love to cook certain things a certain way.

Richard's background is Irish and English and he finds that someone had a meat market and someone was a scientist. Proof that he was born to be a molecular gastronomist extraordinaire.

Tiffany's and Carla's backgrounds were from various parts of the American South. And newfound cousins (identical cousins all the way, one pair of matching bookends, as different as night and day) Mike and Antonia come from an Italian background.

They head off to the Piggly Wiggly for ingredients before eventually arriving at the location of the challenge to cook.

The judges and loved ones arrive to eat and make nice with each other before service begins. One by one, the chefs present their extraordinary dishes to the delight of all of those assembled. Richard's wife calls the presentation "awesome." Not a single negative word is spoken about any item, neither by the family members nor the judges. Finally, the love-fest gets so fevered that Antonia's mom asks Tom if there's ever been a final five.

I believe this is called the "What hath God wrought?" moment.

After the lovin' and a discussion about how Carla and her husband met through a dating web site (which isn't a paid sponsor?), the chefs embrace their loved ones and get the lowdown on how everything was just great. Professional worrywart Richard gets bucked up by his mate and I could have sworn I heard Mike say something to his mom about "the Bahamas." (On second listen, the husband informs me that he was actually saying, "... if my mom was judge ..." So maybe I just got some of that Antonia psychic juice on me.)

Judges' Table

The chefs are super enthused that everyone loved everything, which Carla finds "awesome." And then Padma appears to call all five of them before the judges.

The adoration continues there, as the chefs get wet kisses from the judges for each of their incredible dishes. After the deliberation, Dan Barber reveals the winner of the challenge (and a pre-owned, fully equipped 1974 Gremlin) is ... Antonia!

Woo hoo!


So, Antonia is headed to the finale which will be in ... the Bahamas! (Score one for second sight Cliffie.)

And after an awkward re-dubbed voiceover from Tom, Mike discovers that he, too, is headed for the finals. The newfound relatives head off to the Stewed Room to celebrate, one by flinging boogers at the other and the other by ducking and now finding this "charming."

Back at Judges' Table, the panel tells the three remaining chefs that they had to resort to nitpicking and ...

"Richard ... please pack your knives ... because you're going to the Bahamas!"

Now, why would they do this to a person? I thought the guy was going to jump right out of his fauxhawk.


After a quick visit to his cardiologist, Richard joins Mike and Antonia back in the Stewed.

Which leaves Tiffany and Carla.

Who both get to go to the finale.

Hugs. Love. Adoration.

And it's great that they all got to go, since no one did anything the least bit wrong.

Yet, it makes you wonder why you sat through the last hour and fifteen minutes.

Next time on Top Chef: The final rounds begin! The Bahamas! Snorkeling! And see how well Padma finally shook off that baby weight! Va-va-voom.