Top Chef Texas: It's The Pits!

January 4, 2012

Previously on Top Chef: The chefs migrated to Austin from the horribleness of Dallas, we got a visit from crazy Patti Labelle's wig collection and, at long last, we were rid of Heather the Horrible. So it was a good day.

We're back, dear reader. And while I still love the show, I have to say that this episode really irritated me. And not just because I have a new most-disliked chef. Aside from the nausea-inducing infomercial mid-episode and the heavily edited audio designed to jazz up the storyline of a new rivalry (Sarah v. Edward), the critiques of the bottom teams were edited to be as ridiculously harsh as the diners' and judges' reactions were edited to sound effusive earlier in the same episode. Phooey.


We start with the chefs back at Casa Cuisine (Austin Campus) drinking beer dispensed by their energy-efficient Kelvinator™ refrigerator and lamenting the loss of Hellbeast Heather. (Well, Sarah lamented the loss of Heather. PluckyAsianNerdChef Beverly, not so much.)

And, kicking off our new storyline, we have Edward mention to the chefs what he's told us repeatedly already, that Heather was on the winning side of two challenges by using his cake recipe. Naturally, this makes Sarah fume for some inane reality show reason involving Heather not being there to defend herself.

Suddenly, there's a knock at the door! Why, it's a stranger bearing gifts! The Trojan Cart bears a 32-volume collection of expensive picture books and a message that they are to study the lusty photographs of architectural food for a leg-up on the morning's ...

Quickfire Challenge

The chefs arrive at the Non-Monogramed Kitchen to meet Padma and the Box O' Coffee Table Books' Author. And, as telegraphed, we see that the chefs will have to make dishes inspired by the Big Book Of Food Pics movement. We learn that this involves not only fancy molecular gastronomy chemical gimmicks, but also a degree of precision and actual innovation.

Samurai Chef Chris (and part time Pregnant Man Thomas Beatie impersonator) predicts that he's going to rock this since at his restaurant in Chicago -- the one he has to name-check at least once per episode -- he does this kind of thing all the time. Oh, and also, he came prepared for this, having brought with him a gimmicky "magic bean" for just this kind of challenge. Meanwhile, my personal übercrush, the, er, photogenic (?) Ty-Lör thinks he'll be able to distinguish himself with a simple watermelon offering, dished up with a magical powder which turns into olive oil when it hits your tongue.

(No, I will not make a joke about tonguing Ty. I will not. I'm classy like that.)

When comes time for the tasting, Beverly, who was up studying the Culinary Architectural Digest all night, goes to present her dish. But when she goes to foam things up (a procedure known as Marceling the Plate), she ends up spraying her foamy goodness all over Padma's Target-designed dress and the guest judge's pleated pants. It's sad, really, and all the other chefs laugh uncomfortably at her.

When they get to Samurai Chris's table, he presents his every-trick-in-the-book banquet. This involves the two taking a red "magic bean," one which Chris explains patronizingly, only to be met by the even more patronizing guest judge saying he grows them in his back yard. Basically, the "pill" alters the taste buds so that a bite of lemon tastes sweet, makes plain soda water and lime taste sweet ... and reconstructs a deconstructed cheesecake?

Anyhoo, the cookbook shiller isn't crazy about the dishes from Paul and Grayson and he didn't take a shine to being sprayed Big Brother-style by Bev.

But he did like Pretty Chris' offering as well as Ty's watermelon and (groan) Cracky Chris Magorium's Wonder Emporium. But the winner of the challenge (and immunity) is ... My Ty! Yay!

Now for the ...

Elimination Challenge

The chefs are told that they'll have to divide themselves into three groups of three. And, in these teams, they'll have to create a massive barbecue feast for 300 diners involving beef, pork, chicken, two sides, a fresh sprig of cilantro, hákarl, a Lincoln Navigator and a partridge in a pear tree.

The teams work out thusly:

• Team Blue: Paul, Lindsay, Grayson

• Team Red: Edward, Sarah, Ty-Lör

• Team White: Beverly, Chris C., Chris J.

We get another chapter in the Sarah v. Edward nonsense when the teams are being chosen and we hear Sarah say that she "doesn't trust" Edward, but will be on his team anyway. (Can you see my eye-roll from here?)

The chefs rush off to the Piggly Wiggly and Foodstuffs Foodstop where we they pick up their proteins, vegetables and a Bartlett's Guidebook of New Snide Remarks for Edward. (In chapter three of this crap, we have him remarking how Sarah, who started as a member of the cast's huge Chicago Mafia this season has now fully transformed into True Texas Gal.)

Later, Sarah, our ostensible True Texas Tessie, enthuses about the 100-year-old barbecue establishment where they will be cooking. (Cue pics of the lass' chef boyfriend dreaming of getting to eat at said 100-year-old barbecue establishment.)

They all arrive at the barbecue joint and are given tours of the sweaty pits. The pony-tailed proprietor jokes (?) that their tears will be the necessary final ingredient to their dishes and leads them all out to their Trojan Vibrating Touch Wagons!

"Wow! Is that what I think it is?" asks Grayson.

"Yeah, the little personal massager that fits on the tip of your finger!" says Sarah. "And it converts into a fully-equipped station wagon, capable of hauling lumber, reality show contestants and bringing you to new heights of ecstasy in minutes!"

"And it comes in this awesome little bag!" adds Grayson.

Soon, the chefs are starting their marathon all-night cooking session (their second of the season). We have a "crisis" at the middle-of-the-night time of 3 p.m. (at least according to the on-screen chyron) where Team Blue's meat falls off the racks in the smoker. We have footage of Pretty Chris phallically peeling carrots. And we have the "crisis" of Beverly setting fire to a pot of bourbon and starting the famous wildfires which raged across Texas all summer.

Somewhere along the line, we see Pretty Chris discuss his contribution to the dinner, a not-at-all-suspiciouly-product-placed Crystal Pepsi barbecue marinade. We also find out that the vocal admirer of sexy men and sexy women, at least artistically, favors naked women. He must also have a great love of pastry since at home he likes to make paintings of pie.

As the sun is rising and the temperatures approach a toasty 350º in the shade, Sarah seeks help from a medic and has to be removed for her own health. Lindsey and Ty-Lör prove they are decent human beings and express concern for her. Edward, though, is more concerned with how this is going to affect his showing. (Here is where the editing seems to really seem to take what was probably overly competitive talk about how he toughs stuff out -- having bled out while cooking though an earlier challenge --- and turns it into what sounds like really monstrous chatter about Sarah's condition.)

The Red Team scrambles to make do with two chefs as the diners arrive. And, just as the judges are to get there, Sarah appears back on the scene. Again, Ty expresses concern and Edward acts like a dick towards her, even if her appearance and eventual disappearance do seem suspect.

Oh, a note about the diners. Among the 300 diners, I thankfully did not see a single cowboy hat. Maybe those nice things I heard about Austin are true after all.

Anyway, the diners and the judges are heard saying great things about the offerings from the Red and White teams and less-than-wonderful things about Team Blue. So, when Padma arrives and calls up Team Blue, it seems so. very. shocking.

So, Team Blue wins. The other two are on the block and the dishes which a moment ago were great are now deemed "inedible."

And Pretty Chris gets the knife.

Sadness.

And that was without even getting into Slobby Chris' idiotic "I Eat Vegans" t-shirt.

Redemption Kitchen

Back in San Antonio. Surprise. Chris versus Nyseha. Tom loses a syllable from Nyesha's name. The chefs cook using ingredients from a gas station. We get another ad for the sponsormobile. I am subjected to Horrible Heather's voice again. And Nyseha lives to battle another day.

Next time on Top Chef: Restaurant Wars. Men versus women. Lots of bickering. Whee.